Monday, 13 August 2012

Defying Gravity (*warning: discussion of a spiritual nature ahead)

The time has come, my friends.  The time to confess what a few of you suspect.

I don't have a job.

OK, this is not entirely true.  I do have a sweet development gig with my Dad's company for a few months but I don't have a "go-to-the-office-everyday" job.

Wow, how do you pay your bills?  Let me answer that.

Thanks to a very frank conversation with my mother, I had a revelation: I don't have to figure it all out by myself.  I don't have to fumble through the big decisions on my own.  I don't have to be unhappy.  And a month before I was supposed to go back to work, I couldn't ignore the tiny flame that sparked in the way-back of my mind.

I know I don't talk about this very much (EVER), but bear with me.  I put God back in charge of my life.

I'll let that sink it for a minute.

I put God back in charge of my life.

You can click away if you don't want to know about this, it's OK.  We can still be friends.  Regular programming will return tomorrow!

This brilliant cartoon best sums up the state of my spirituality the past few years:

God and I weren't on the same page and despite my wandering, I was dragged towards a wonderful life.  Healthy children, loving marriage, a job that challenged and gratified me, a home, material comforts, great friends, the list goes on.  


At the end of my favourite movie, Dorothy has her own revelation:

If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard.  Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with.  

Or in MY case, the computer.  My heart's desire? To write. To be my own boss, to be available mentally and physically for my children, to be creative, to succeed.  A tall order, I know.  But that's the beauty of having a cool cat like the Almighty take charge, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

So, I decided not to go back to my perfectly good job.  I am chuckling a little because it's so easy to type that phrase but readers, it was a very, very difficult decision.  I mean, who leaves their job when they not only don't have another one lined up but don't really know for sure what they want to do?  You don't see a lot of  WANTED: someone who knows how to make movies and TV to write stuff from home, also, must be funny and occasionally schmaltzy.  But in my heart of hearts, I knew.  And after 24 hours of soul searching and heartfelt prayer, I got my answer, clear as a bell.

Walk away. I'll help you figure the rest out.

As I told my long-suffering husband that night (you want to do WHAT, now?), I needed to make this leap of faith.  Faith in my God, faith in His promise to take care of me, faith in myself and faith in my dreams.  

Well, I did and I am living what I can only describe as a magical life.  I know it sounds crazy but it's amazing.  Disneyworld-shootingstar-lotterywinning-newbaby-breathtaking-Broadway-champagne-goldmedal AMAZING.

But don't get me wrong.  I pray every single day for guidance, for reassurance and for courage.  And I am getting it.  Daily.  But oh, the relief, the joy, the utter FREEDOM of knowing that I am exactly where I am supposed to be?  I can hardly find the words.  Although from the length of this post you can see that I sure am trying!

A couple of practical points:

-when I say magical, I don't mean that money just appears on the sidewalk or that I suddenly lost 30 pounds. I mean that I don't have to worry about that stuff anymore and it's a feeling that is nothing short of... magic.
-yes, Alice is still going to daycare.  We secured her spot when I was still planning to go back to my job and since (don't hate me) we were lucky enough to get a $7/day spot, it makes sense to keep it so I can be productive at home during the day.  You know, WRITING REALLY LONG BLOG POSTS.
-my husband is an excellent provider but his salary can't cover all our expenses (Mama needs CABLE) so right now I need to bring home some bacon for material as well as mental reasons.
-our needs are being met.  This won't be the year we max out our RRSPs or anything but that's OK! (see my first point)
-when I have some concrete work developments I'll talk about it here but all I can say for the moment is that I'm taking a lot of meetings and having a lot of lunches.  Which is awesome because it just so happens I like talking to people.  Who knew.  (EVERYBODY.)
-when I say that I need to be available for my girls, I mean I need the mental resources to parent them well.  Not that you can't work outside your house and do that, but I don't want to have to make that compromise right now.  My 4 year old needs SO MUCH PATIENCE and the baby is well, a baby.  And as the saying goes, when Mama is happy, EVERYBODY is happy.  Can I get an AMEN?
-I have had a TON of support (prayer, encouragement, free drinks, you name it!) from loved ones in all corners and am convinced that you are all angels.  With my Mom and Dad at the head of the line. (Schmaltz alert!)  Thank you.
-Defying Gravity is a song from the musical Wicked.  Hearing the Glee version of it recently gave me the kick in the pants I needed to write this.  Go buy it from iTunes because a) it's awesome and b) it says everything I am feeling these days.

So that's it.  That's where I am.  This space won't change that much except that I will share stuff here occasionally that might not appeal to everybody but *singing, off-tune* It's my bloooog and I'll talk about God if I waant to, God if I wannt to, you would talk too if it happened to you!

Go forth and be inspired, friends!  Not by me but by what is POSSIBLE in your own life.

OK, off to take a few deep breaths before publishing.  See you tomorrow?


bari said...

Congrats! I think its great. I think that everyone should do exactly what they want to do...with the freedom to change their mind any moment :) I also think that if you want to get behind this writing thing you have to get used to the idea of blogging for yourself like you did today. Stop worrying about comments and stats and people not liking your content, just write what feels true to you. Don't compromise. Write whatever it is you want about chocolate or God or write about writing. Let it all go sister! Write away!

Tina Lavoie said...

I wish you nothing but success, Theresa. More mamas than ever are staying at home and making their own way, with writing, with Etsy stores, etc. It's a leap of faith in more ways than one, but I know a number of them who are making it work.

And it makes sense to keep your daycare. First, yeah, the price is UNBELIEVABLE! But also, Work At Home Mom means just that, with emphasis on the WORK part. Some think that because you work at home you are always available (you're not); you're at home eating bon-bons (usually not); you aren't REALLY working (I've almost never worked longer hours, actually).

Plenty of bloggers get writing gigs, so it's not a flight of fancy to think that it couldn't happen for you. As for the God thing... I have had help more times than I can count, and sometimes the source of the help is inexplicable. I've told you in the past that I believe in God, I just don't so much believe in religion. It's not up to me to decide what is true in your own life.

Wishing you good fortune!!

Theresa said...

Thank you Bari! A very good point and I will refer back to this comment often, I'm sure.

Tina - I don't believe in religion either (as you know) but that's a post for a different day :) And I don't know how the stay-at-home-Moms do it, man. Give me an office job instead of 8 hours of "I wanna watch cartooons" anytime!

Theresa said...

PS - did I mention that you two ladies inspire me? What with your freelance lifestyles AND mad writing skillz and all?

Vanessa Z. said...

Looooooooove this. I had a little bawl-fest as I read this... could be because I am 6 weeks post partum, could be because my four-year-old is being a pain, could be because I stubbed my toe super hard when I was walking around reading on my phone... but really, it's because I know JUST how you feel. I didn't get mat leave this time around and not having an income on my part is a bit unnerving for me. Amazing reminder to trust God... especially because I have NO idea what the heck I am doing right now.

Thanks for the post, and the cry. Keep up the amazing Mommy things you always do -- and $7/day daycare? SIGN ME UP! I need a sanity break.

Theresa said...

Awwww, Vanessa! You have my everlasting admiration for keeping Logan at home with you and keeping your sanity. Ask and you shall receive, my friend. God has something exciting in store for you so just ask! And then let us know!

Anonymous said...

This makes me think of the Italian lottery joke. (Yes it's in Eat Pray Love - embarrassing!!). It's the one about a man who spent his whole life going to a church every day and prayed to the statue of a great saint begging "please, please, please, let me win the lottery." Finally the exasperated statue comes to life and looks down at the begging man and says "my son, please, please, please, buy a ticket."

This is a big step but from the sound of things you are "buying a ticket". I admire your courage and I'm certain there are big things coming your way!


Theresa said...

Deborah Eve, that is profound! And funny! I LOVE IT! If your whole smarty pants government expert scientist bigwig thing doesn't pan out, maybe you want to join me over here on the dark (artsy) side? :) xo

Shawna said...

You rock!!! Love your candid heart and hate that you get $7/day daycare lol! Well written friend!

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